Belonging+Self Acceptance

I have been doing some research and studying on belonging and connection. This work has been for personal purposes, for my clients as well as another writing contract I have committed to.

I love when work and life intersect:) We all have the innate desire to belong and/or connect with our fellow humans.

Connection fills our soul and brings fulfillment to our everyday life.

The part of the quote above that stopped me today was the last part….our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.

If you are feeling disconnected with others or self, it may be useful to look at your level of self acceptance.

As I did some self reflection, I realize that when I cross the line between self confrontation+compassion into self criticism+shame I am no longer able to feel connection. {with self or others}

Self acceptance and connection are directly correlated.

In order to achieve a feeling of connection and/or belonging, we must examine our acceptance or love of self.

As I was considering self acceptance and how to “up-level” mine, I came up with the following five levels of self acceptance.

B. The basement level which we sometimes fall to is that of only seeing our weaknesses. This can be debilitating, of course. Not only are we keenly aware of our own shortcomings at this low point, but we oftentimes are only seeing others’ strengths. This leads to a feeling of despair: “never can I ever live up to expectations”.

2. The next level is a bit of a relief when we take a breath and realize the truth that we actually are human and therefore imperfect, and so are others. This truth is so liberating! It means that when we mess up over and over again—we can chalk it up to being human and in the learning or practice phase of our evolution. What also naturally occurs when we give ourselves such grace is that we find that same generosity for others.

3. The next {S.A.} level is actually a good example of two steps forward, one step back but I see this so frequently that I felt I must include it in my “building levels”. I feel like it is an easy floor to get stuck on this level three. We see how we are able to contribute and may actually appear to really be thriving, but we are somewhat inauthentic as while we are going about our lives, we are juggling our weaknesses behind our backs. This is when perfectionism steps up. “Never let them see you sweat” kind of thinking. Perfectionism is a farce as perfect is never attainable for a.n.y.o.n.e. Slowing it down here folks….not for you or for them. NO ONE can obtain perfection {only God Himself} Running after it can become a protection of sorts. Getting caught in the web of trying and not obtaining most often keeps us playing small.

4. The way to uplevel from level three is self confrontation. At this level you are capable and willing to face your weaknesses headon and are putting in the work to evolve. This is a tough but beautiful phase. This floor also has a pitfall that if encountered can keep you here for an extended stay; that being self criticism. Again, easy to fall into. If we wallow for a time in self criticism on level 4, we may actually find ourselves plunging back to the basement. The way out of self criticism: self compassion. Taking knowledge gained from level 2, here is our opportunity to really apply the truth that we are human and of course we are going to have weaknesses that we are going to get stuck on for a time. This is where we get to tell ourselves, “Nothing has gone wrong here.”

5. Self compassion leads us in a very natural way to our top floor of self acceptance which I believe is embodied in humility. I love Brene’s definition of humility:

Humility is openness to new learning combined with a balanced and accurate assessment of our contributions, including our strengths,imperfections, and opportunities for growth.

To me, this paints a beautiful picture of what I would like self acceptance to look like. It is the understanding that I am open to learning, appreciate my strengths and contributions but also acknowledge my weaknesses or areas for improvement. In other words a whole person.

I would like to take this just one step further and suggest that viewing ourselves as a whole person is equivalent to holiness. Holy comes from the Old English word hālig, which means “whole, healthy, entire, and complete.” I have written before about my deep belief that each of us has a thread of Divinity that runs through us. I believe as we come to accept our humanness that we are able to more closely align ourselves with the Divine within us; this merging of the imperfect human and the Divine/perfect is where our wholeness become holiness. You know when you have reached this place of holiness, you feel enlightened, alive, capable and grateful all at once. Think goose bumps.

I would like to leave you with one last thought that I came to today. What if you gave yourself permission to believe that you are right now exactly where you are supposed to be {on the elevator ride to self acceptance} and are doing exactly what you should be doing….AND…it can also be true that there is growth that is taking place just as it should.

LIfe is full of paradoxy. And this is one of the most basic but also most powerful. The only way to get to the top is to go through the messy levels.

Give yourself a good, new deep breath. And the biggest self accepting affirmation you can feel true to. right now.

We are all on this ride together, let’s say “hello” in the elevator and push the appropriate button when our neighbor tells us what floor they are getting off. With zero judgement of where they are, but only the understanding that eventually we all meet at the top.

xoKathleen