Woulda, Shoulda, Coulda.

I would’ve been there!

I said it over and over again right after hearing that my Dad had passed away.

He had been in an unconscious/coma state for nearly a week. I was there 24/7 for the first four days. By day four my siblings nearly insisted that I go home to get rest. I did so only after making up a schedule knowing that someone would be by Dad’s side 24/7. I was there every day but would go home {at night} to sleep. The morning he died, I was scheduled to be “on”, but circumstances had changed with other members of my family and I asked my sister if she would stay that night.

So, I wasn’t there.

The emotions I was feeling as I got the call were the most intense I can ever remember feeling.

And even though the words, “I would have been there” kept coming out of my mouth over and over I knew that phrase was intentional. It was NOT I should have been there or even I could have been there. No, this was different: would means I had the choice and I had made it and that was okay. In a very strange way, my word choice {at a most intense emotional time} told myself that I was okay.

So often we say things like: “Yeah, yeah woulda, shoulda, coulda…” Like we dismiss all of those phrases as if nothing good ever came of them. I’d like to propose a change of thought here. How bout we stop clumping those words together. I mean really. Is it fair for would and could to be wrapped up in the implications of should? I think not!

I love the suggestion that all of my beliefs are optional. I can try them on for awhile and decide if they are serving me or not. Well, one thought that I have adopted presently is that “shoulds” are not helpful, at all. And for now, I’m going with that. I mean it feels like the shoulds only ever shoot us down. Looking back the shoulds bring regret and even looking forward the shoulds limit our own thinking and possibilities. Safe to say: I am a bit down on the shoulds.

BUT. The woulds and coulds are different, in my brain. Think about it. Would and could bring up possibilities and leave you options. They seem consistent with our power of choice. Remind yourself when you are making a choice that it is actually you and your brain that determines your woulds and coulds. And those can change overtime. I recommend however, that if what once would have been your choice then changes, don’t ever shift to the shoulds; instead have your own back and choose woulds and coulds. That is one way to tell yourself that you are doing okay.

And at times, that is the best we can offer ourselves. You are okay.

Keep on, my friends!

xoKathleen