Body Love: My Embodiment Journey
A life-long journey
In the middle of a discussion {Can’t even recall the specifics}
Me: Well, since I am totally okay with my body…
Him: Whoa. wait. Did you hear what you just said?
Me: OMG! I’m there?! I can’t believe it. After how many years???
This very conversation happened just this week. I am 50+ years old {not because I am hiding behind the + but because I honestly have to do the math. every. time.}.
Wow! just wow! I know this is hard to believe. For many…like {my} Him who has never really had a body image issue, the idea of having to work on something that comes so naturally is mind blowing. But to many and particularly, many women, I think the journey is a common one that is so individual it is difficult to articulate and therefore often misunderstood.
How? did we get on this winding road. As far as I can see every single newborn I have observed is completely and 100% perfectly embodied. I have looked for a definition of the term embodiment that is consistent with my context but I can’t find one. I am quite certain Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife* has one out there somewhere but it is not easily googled so I will attempt a definition.
Embodiment: an individual’s state of unity between soul+body. When embodiment is expressed in its most authentic form, the body exists as a recognized objectification of the soul.
I am hoping that as I share a few of the key stops along my journey, it may spark a familiar route for you that you might find that comforting or possibly enlightening.
When I say that my embodiment journey has been over 40+ years, it is no exaggeration. I remember visiting my sister when I was 10 years old at her college apartment and a conversation that I had with some of her roommates. They were discussing their bodies and things they were not happy about. I piped up and said, “My stomach pokes out when I sit down.” to which the reply came, “Just you wait till it sticks out even when you stand up.” And…the battle began. My brain started down the evidence gathering road of…what is wrong with my body? And…let me tell you what? My evidence library was bursting in just a few short years.
But, interesting enough. At some point I came up with a brilliant way to continue on with a fairly confident life. What did I do? I abandoned embodiment. I somehow was able to separate my body and soul. I let my brain believe that while my body may be sub par, my soul+mind was amazing and capable. This actually served me quite well; and provided me with the ability to not only function, but excel in many areas of my life. It wasn’t until years later that I even recognized what I had done. This awakening came as I recognized the first stop on my Body Love Journey: Denial.
I had birthed my fourth son. I was living in Northern California in a beautiful area and in a home that I did not build. Why is that important to note? Well, I sure as heck would never have put in a full length-wall-to-wall mirror right across from the shower and soaker bath! I remember one day I realized that every time I got out of the shower, I went to great lengths to avoid the {unavoidable} full body reflection. It came to me. I was in DENIAL that…that image was MY body. I realized that in order for me to feel better in my own skin, I must first recognize it as such. I knew that, for me, I would never be able to change that image until I owned it.
And…I started running. On the regular. And then I started eating healthy. And then my body started to be recognizable to me. But the interesting thing is that for years and years and years. I did not accept my body. I could always tell you how many more pounds I wanted to lose or how my body fat percentage should be lower or how this or that part could be just a bit more lean or strong. There was no sense of arrival but just a feeling of traveling and not there yet-ness.
My travels next brought me to a detour with a major hormone shift that happened a few years ago. For the first time I felt my body was completely out of my control. I had become a master at controlling my body. I knew how many miles I had to run vs. calories to intake etc. but what I didn’t know how to navigate was what was happening in the background of my body functions. Let’s call this {hormone imbalance} the fog. I hate driving in the fog! You never know when it is going to break…I mean you know that it will but it is super scary when you are in it. You have no way of knowing if you are driving within the lines or what might be up ahead. It was during this time that I really had to dig deep and find self compassion. I had to realize, yet again, that my body was my body and we were in this together for the long haul. Embodiment. It’s a journey.
About the same time as I was facing the fog, I came upon mindfulness and thank heavens for that. I realized that I was in control of how I felt about my journey. My thoughts actually did lead to my results. And…so I continued to be mindful of my embodiment journey. I thought about how far I had come and recognized my successes and exercised some compassion for disappointments. And then one day…the words came out of my mouth…almost as if they had always been there…
“I am totally okay with my body.”
C.e.l.e.b.r.a.t.i.o.n!
I realize that I zipped right past ACCEPTANCE and am anticipating my arrival at EMBRACE and embodiment like next Summer’s vacation destination. I know I’m headed there. I know it will be amazing. And I’ll let you know when I arrive {for now I can see the city lights in the distance}.
I do so appreciate the concept of life’s journey and Oh! I do love a good road trip.
Let me know bout your journey.
Happy travels.
xoKathleen
